Me and My Wars

It's been so long since I posted that I wanted to check in.

But my emotional state is not good right now. So, I'm not sure this is the time to "check in". But these little threads of thought keep going through my mind and I wonder what I would write if I took the time to put them "on paper".

I am angry. But I'm trying not to be. Inside, I'm sure I look like a 3 year old trying so desperately to get her way, but a very patient, soft-spoken adult is telling me "no" and then walking away. Ugh! I can't stand that!

So that leads to feeling indifferent. Whatever. I don't care. You're gonna get your way anyway, so why try and fight it? Why want something that I'm never gonna get. Why get my hopes up that there's a sliver of hope, only for it to be dashed and I'm left wanting.

Which leads to the logical conclusion that it would all work out so perfectly if I just wanted what you wanted. 'Cause then I'd get it. Right? Wrong. 'Cause you change your mind. And any plans that I might have made in my head are, again, dashed and I'm left standing there floored. You gotta be kidding me. OR, or I just can't bring myself to want what you want, so I'm back to being angry.

So what to do?? What to do?? What to do??

My natural inclination is to run. Run away. I can't do that, or I would have already. I don't really know where to go. Next? Spend money. Go shopping. Haven't ruled that one out yet.

Now the house is quiet and nobody is here but me. I can finally do whatever the heck I want. What do I want to do? Whatever. I don't care.

Sigh.

At least the sun's shining. I hear that it's good for depression.