Split Up

What is the definition of a church split? I'm not sure I know, but what has happened in my life lately is certainly a break-up of what was once together.

I do not write this to blame anyone, to condemn, or glorify; only to put down my thoughts on my own .com.

I used to love a good conflict. Now that I've grown a bit, I can't say that I desire it. Actually, I am trying to live at peace with all of my brothers and sisters. I'm finding out how hard that is, and that it even brings its own sort of conflict within me.

My heart is still heavy. I will never know all the ins and outs of what has happened, and why it happened. I'm trying to reconcile myself to that. I'm trying to put it all behind me, and go on with what is still with me, while walking toward what is in front of me.

I'm studying the life of David with my Junior Bible class. We've said good-bye to Saul and Jonathan, and are now saying hello to King David and Joab, and Abner and Ish-Bosheth, and violence among what is supposed to be a nation of God's chosen people.

In the Old Testament, Abner, commander of Saul's army, kills Asahel, David's nephew, while crowning Ish-Bosheth, Saul's son, king. Asahel's brother, Joab, kills Abner out of revenge for his brother's murder after pledging allegience to David. Power struggle after power struggle brings death to someone in the camp. Ish-Bosheth is eventually murdered by two men from the tribe of Bejamin.

And King David laments at it all.

And then the real questions are asked: how does God view all this fighting between his children? What is His opinion? When do we put down our need to be right, or at the top, and pick up His will for us as a whole?

No, I will not physically murder my brothers and sister in Christ, but do I try and wound them with scriptures that supposedly "prove" I am right? Use the spiritual weapon God has given me for "friendly-fire" instead of aiming it at my real enemy?

I could point my finger and tell God about a few who have. But then, the comeback "but you've got three fingers pointing right back at you" comes to mind. Oh, how that hurts me to know that we've used the most powerful weapon of all against our own brothers and sisters as we are fighting the same enemy of our souls.

God, forgive us all.

A Word of Encouragement

Got this from a student who had an assignment from another class. Hmmm.....

A little encouragement!

Psalm 139:7-10
"Where can I go from your Spirit? or where can I flee from your presence? If I ascend into heaven, you are there; if I make my bed in
hell, behold you are there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell
in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your
right hand shall hold me."

This verse lets us know that we are never alone. God is with us, and he is watching over us. No matter how far we try to run,
he will be there with us. The reason he is always with us is because he
loves us and he wants to take care of us. God loves you and he will never
leave you no matter what.

Without Faith...

...it is impossible to please God." (Heb 11:6)

Ironic that I should have to come teach a bible class on faith all this week.

So, even if I do obey, if I do it without faith, I'm still not pleasing God. Sigh.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for." (Heb 11:1-2)

What do I have faith for? That the method will work? Oh, I believe that. Too many people have proven this method works.

That I'll be allowed to be the adult I've grown to be? That I'll be granted the freedom I so desperately want?


"I cry aloud to the Lord;
I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy.
I pour out my complaint before him;
before him I tell my trouble.

When my spirit grows faint within me,
it is you who know my way...

Listen to my cry,
for I am in desperate need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
for they are too strong for me.
Set me free from my prison,
that I may praise your name."
Psalm 142:1-3,6-7

Walking Death

I'm still trying to understand why I'm having to go through this. How can things be any better on the other side? And will they really ever change?

Perhaps the truth is, I've been in this cycle so long that I don't know any other way. I don't know how to live without this in my life. And, I don't believe that God will change life for me.

I have wants, desires, dreams. In the last 2 weeks, the hope that somehow these things would one day come to be has died. Just. died.

This morning, in church, I sang "Oh, the wonderful cross, Oh the wonderful cross, Bids me come and die, and find that I may truly live" and all I could think was, "yeah, I'm dead alright. So this is truly living? No thank you."

This can't be living. And this cannot be what I'm receiving in exchange for my oh-I'll-do-it-alright-through-clenched-teeth-and-not-likin'-it obedience.

No, THIS is what doing what I have to do feels like.

:'(

My eyes are still raining. When will it stop?

Getting Un-mad

I am, by nature, a very rebellious person.

So, to get un-mad at someone very close to me takes alot out of me. I have been going through a situation that I know I need to address in my life. (Person whom I mad at, can you hear me?? I know this!) But, I don't like it when that person decides-cold turkey!-that today is the day that I'm going to deal with it.

I clam up. I pull away. Don't touch me, and don't ask me to do anything for you! I can go days like this. (Don't try and tell me that it's not healthy for me to act like that. I know that, too.)

Everything within me is fighting against myself. My flesh wants to punish you for punishing me, but my heart wants to do better than I'm doing. My flesh so desperately wants you to be wrong, but my heart knows that you are so right. My flesh pulls away from you, but my heart is screaming "love me anyway!".

It's so hard to pull out the white flag and surrender. It's so hard to admit, yet again, that I am wrong.

FB Statuses You Won't See On My Page

Please tell me I'm not the only one who doesn't post all their feelings out there on facebook for all my friends to see.

Let's see....what's (really!) on my mind?
1. YOU! Yes, you, and how you really made me mad today!! Oh, and about 100 ways I can get you back.
2. This UTI that I cannot get rid of....
3. That outfit is NOT in dress code. PULL IT UP AND PUT THEM UP!
4. Movin' on can suck.
5. Why are things different for me? Because I'm a woman??? You've got to be kidding me....
6. I'm really mad at my other half. Really mad.
7. Why? What in the world is so bad that you disrupt it all? I don't think you have a good enough reason.
8. Quit lying to me!! So what if you are?!?
9. I just had the most wonderful sex with my husband.
10. I am done. With you. With the whole situation. And I'm just fine...as a matter of fact, I'm better than fine. :)

Nope, I am not always the nice person that I strive to be on the internet. Until now, I could claim that, at least, I've kept inside. Not anymore.

What's on your mind that you don't post on FB? And yes, I know there's more in that pretty little head of yours!! :)